Summer Musings

My life up to this point has been majorly influenced by laziness. Not my own laziness but that of my friends. As far as I can remember if I ever wanted to go out and do things, I have always been the one who has called people up, planned events and got the ball rolling on everything. There have been only a handful of times where others have done all of that and had me come along too (Mostly want to thank Liz out there for the murder mystery parties). It gets very depressing at times, considering I feel like I am beating my head against a wall often when trying to go out and just get the most of this life.

Now what does that mean for the rest of me? It means that I am always in motion and wanting to try new and exciting things. I don't like sitting around all day (unless I am sick but eh that should be a given anyway). But with that regard, it means that if I ever want things to happen to me, school, jobs, love, I have been the one who has had to work at it. This summer though, I have decided to change my life around completely. No drinking to excess, working out a lot and getting and staying in shape, dieting, improving myself overall as a person as who I am now hates who I have been.

Logan is not the ideal place for this I know, especially for someone of my non mormonish beliefs. Its not that I am not Athiest anymore but more of the culture around here, where everything is so dominated by the church that there is no room for others as they quickly become as jaded and depressed by it as I have been the past few years.

This summer though I have had a better time than I would have thought possible since I have decided to make these changes. Its been tough as I have been craving the alcohol and other things but I have been strong, mostly. The toughest part so far has to be the Megan Inama fallout, the likes of which blindsided me. Fell for that girl hard, being a scorpio means I fall hard and fast when I feel that connection, and after we reconnected this summer, I thought she wanted to date too. Alas, we had just one amazing and intimate night, I was nervous and scared as hell but I just liked being with her and was looking forward to more of it when she just walked out, her own insecurities or who knows what shutting down any chance of something special happening. I wish things had been different, but I will probably never know what was going on in her head.

Right now though I have a new job I am starting later today and am quite scared to death about it but I am going to do it anyway. I have always tried to have this 'cool and calm' exterior, which is something I have had the devils own time really getting myself into while inside I am usually nervous as hell in groups or especially around girls. Girls are the worst as I play these roles I feel like and each one is different. Sometimes its an arrogant asshole or something else completely random and then I find I get back into those roles when I see the person again. I hate it but its on the list of things that need to change and I will.

All in all I feel like I am rambling now so I will say this as a final thought or two, even though things have been rough. I wouldnt trade this experience for anything. Its taught me to be more careful with my heart and also that past habits can really have a horrifying effect on life later on. From now I am just going to try and be the man that I wish I could be and hopefully someday soon when I look at myself in the mirror I will finally see him staring right back at me.