Semester Recap

Well I fail at blogging but I am going to try and do this more often so heads up there.

The semester has been good bad and ugly. Good because it is done, good because its been an adventure, bad because i am still stressed like mad about my finances and the fact that I cant even afford food right now and my apartment is colder than a Antarctic winter. Ugly because that one girl made an entrance in my life again only to mess with my mind like no other.

I have come to realize a few things though, not so much about being happy but about finding your place in the great scheme of things. You just gotta roll with it and do your best regardless of what happens. As as soon as you give up on that, you might as well give up on yourself and that is something that I never truly want to do. Hell i feel emo just writing this and no i will not be cutting myself as i do it. But I am glad for things all in all. Especially socks. Those things ROCK!

Otherwise I am not sure how I feel about Christmas this year. Was hoping to have someone to share it with but its not looking like that is going to happen so I will survive another year with being on my own this holiday. Its going to be interesting but also I am forcing myself to finish the book by the end of the year so that will be one major project that I will have completed so yay for that.

For the moment though I need to go and study for my finals so catch you all on the flip side

School

Well after the extreme drama of the last few days of summer I have been looking forward to getting this next year of school all done. So far its been quite intense and my classes are going to be pretty crazy but fun still overall. Going to be working and studying at ton. Yet I also started a new workout plan and diet and so far the diet has been pretty tasty and yet way healthy and the crazy thing is that the workout is going way great as well though I admit I cant use my arms. But eh who needs em? I have 10 toes that I can still use to call 911 if needed right?

Summer Musings

My life up to this point has been majorly influenced by laziness. Not my own laziness but that of my friends. As far as I can remember if I ever wanted to go out and do things, I have always been the one who has called people up, planned events and got the ball rolling on everything. There have been only a handful of times where others have done all of that and had me come along too (Mostly want to thank Liz out there for the murder mystery parties). It gets very depressing at times, considering I feel like I am beating my head against a wall often when trying to go out and just get the most of this life.

Now what does that mean for the rest of me? It means that I am always in motion and wanting to try new and exciting things. I don't like sitting around all day (unless I am sick but eh that should be a given anyway). But with that regard, it means that if I ever want things to happen to me, school, jobs, love, I have been the one who has had to work at it. This summer though, I have decided to change my life around completely. No drinking to excess, working out a lot and getting and staying in shape, dieting, improving myself overall as a person as who I am now hates who I have been.

Logan is not the ideal place for this I know, especially for someone of my non mormonish beliefs. Its not that I am not Athiest anymore but more of the culture around here, where everything is so dominated by the church that there is no room for others as they quickly become as jaded and depressed by it as I have been the past few years.

This summer though I have had a better time than I would have thought possible since I have decided to make these changes. Its been tough as I have been craving the alcohol and other things but I have been strong, mostly. The toughest part so far has to be the Megan Inama fallout, the likes of which blindsided me. Fell for that girl hard, being a scorpio means I fall hard and fast when I feel that connection, and after we reconnected this summer, I thought she wanted to date too. Alas, we had just one amazing and intimate night, I was nervous and scared as hell but I just liked being with her and was looking forward to more of it when she just walked out, her own insecurities or who knows what shutting down any chance of something special happening. I wish things had been different, but I will probably never know what was going on in her head.

Right now though I have a new job I am starting later today and am quite scared to death about it but I am going to do it anyway. I have always tried to have this 'cool and calm' exterior, which is something I have had the devils own time really getting myself into while inside I am usually nervous as hell in groups or especially around girls. Girls are the worst as I play these roles I feel like and each one is different. Sometimes its an arrogant asshole or something else completely random and then I find I get back into those roles when I see the person again. I hate it but its on the list of things that need to change and I will.

All in all I feel like I am rambling now so I will say this as a final thought or two, even though things have been rough. I wouldnt trade this experience for anything. Its taught me to be more careful with my heart and also that past habits can really have a horrifying effect on life later on. From now I am just going to try and be the man that I wish I could be and hopefully someday soon when I look at myself in the mirror I will finally see him staring right back at me.

Summer School and Moving

Well I have moved out of Jerry's place finally. Not sure how I feel about it. Used to have a ton of fun with him but things are all different now. The few months that I lived there we hung out I think all of two or three times. Was very lame and way lonely to live there. Though it was nice finally getting out of the fraternity house still. Now I have moved in with my friend Gibbs who was the first person that I lived with back here in Logan. Quite the adventure back then though I was mormon and all of that at the time.

On another note though Summer school is always interesting. This is my third year of taking classes during the summer but I am quickly losing what drive I had for the classes in the first place. Finally did get my summer loan though I need to pay off bills and stay on the healthy side of things. Its hard to keep your focus when you are trying to get out and keep hitting the wall of life as I call it. Hoping to find some people to hang out with that arent all about partying but want to just enjoy life and have some fun. I find that here in Logan if you arent mormon anymore, your social circle is VERY limited and I have yet to find anyone that gets me or that has a drive like I do. Anyway hoping that life gets better but in the meantime the weather has finally cleared up enough so that I can go running today. Cant wait to start this hobby up and get in better shape than I was last year. Hoorah! Or something.....

Late Night Ramblings

Ah a quick note of today. Wasnt too bad and got a little done in both the book and the screenplay though need to take more time and finish both. Otherwise just too restless these days. Need to figure it out

Faith

Been thinking lately a lot about Religion and how it affects people here at Utah State. Sadly its an issue that I have had to deal with head on since I left my religion many year ago, in its own way, a constant reminder of what I had to give up to be go the path that I did take. Either with lying with every breath I would take at church, saying things I truly didnt feel or reject it. These are my thoughts after a few years on the subject.

Faith

I do not believe in the stories of old but I believe in the power of humanity

I do not pray to a deity I pray to myself that I can make a change in the world I see

I do not have faith that there is a divine plan but I have faith that I can make my life meaningful

I do not let religion define me but religiously try to do more good than wrong

Well I had more but its not wanting to come out tonight. Its tough, knowing that I am a good person with worthy goals, but being shunned by the community because of my different beliefs. I have been wild and crazy the past few years and I dont want to go back to that. Those times were fun, they were good but it was a dark time. But all I can do is go on and be better. Thats my goal. As long as I keep that in mind, the goals can be reached, the wars won and reach that summit of goals that I am setting for myself. With that I wish you all adeiu.